I love the way you smile
how you taste like cigarettes
But I'm growing rather tired
of your ambivalence

~ 10/22/03 ~

corpulent crimson moon
bleeding down into your room
burning, burning, burning
just like god's eye

summer fades & winter grows
still she's dancing in those clothes
burning, burning, burning
down the hollows

"The city, she welcomes you!" the sign says
So why do I feel so unwelcome?
I don't feel anything akin to an invitation
I'm getting used to closing my eyes on that feeling of unease
I'm trying so hard to reach you
Maybe I'm trying too hard down here on my knees
This is what it's like to be unwanted

I'm tired of feeling inadequate
my disappointment deepens
as I contemplate the culmination
of our tumultuous tryst
you stand beside the obvious
pretend to be oblivious
while I struggle not to choke
on my kind words & your secret smile

The Cold

the cold penetrates the walls with icy fingers
hands like Death slowly carress bone deep aching
breath frozen thin and broken
while frost tangles in your hair
thought is caught in the brambles
waiting silent in sterile light

~ 12/18/03 ~

why do I let you
make me feel this way?

day after day
allowing your gentle invasion
waiting for that phone to ring

and when it doesn't ring
I just cry
or stare into space like now
numb
thinking about you with her

II wonder how long I can continue
to let you trample the fields
and burn campfires in the hollows
of my heart

I wonder if even I have the strength
to once more take up my sword
to again give out the battle cry
to weather
one more war

or will I be paralyzed
by your own paralysis
indecision, weakness, and fear

I am in love with a version of me

I trace the line of his brow with my hand
and from jaw to chin covered with stuble

My hands tangling in his hair
as he slides, making me wanton

I am in love so I cry silently

I taste the salt of my tears with our tongue
and from feet to chin screaming so subtle

My hands trespassing in his hair
his ring, for a moment forgotten

and you can't be with me
no you can't be with me

Fate is so unkind
the way she plays with a mind

the way you play with my...

sometimes I wonder if I am
or if I am was lingering

and the new has now come to distract me
for only this moment?
or will I be taken again into years of wondering
and wandering


I am learning to fear the moment
if it only lives in the moment
and never beyond


and never beyond

And so time goes
And I feel we’re not moving
Not much changes the landscape of a heart
And I know I’ve got to end this
But there’s something in the endless
Way you insist on ripping me apart

I'm not truly happy.

But where lies the solution?